on things that are hard.

I have no wisdom to disperse or anything fancy like that, so turn away now if you are expecting some revelation of balance and clarity.

• a cross country move
• being jobless
• eventually acquiring an unfulfilling, low-paying job
• rejection from (now 3) graduate schools, despite being a perfect candidate on paper
• health issues/weight gain
• patchwork families
• setting boundaries
• feeling separated from friends
• paralyzing fear of the future

Just a snippet of things that have been hard this year. I know a lot of this is normal (which is such a shame), but that doesn't make it any easier. Each time someone says "Keep your head up! Don't lose faith!" it gets harder, because now you are doubting whether you are a good enough Christian or not. What a nasty cycle. And opening up to others is nearly impossible for me, because I know they are hurting from everything I am or some other things I have been blessed enough to avoid.

With each hard thing, blessings have been lavished on me in some other way. Little bits of healing here and there, new amazing friendships, hearing a doctor say "No, Hollee, you aren't crazy.... something is off here." Losing sight of those blessings, though, is the easiest thing that I do.

I know I'm not the only one who fights the anxieties and valleys day in and day out. For you reading this who knows exactly what depths and darknesses that I speak of, I am sorry. I am sorry that you are confused, hurt, lost, angry, whatever you may be. There is one thing you are not: alone.