on things that are hard.

I have no wisdom to disperse or anything fancy like that, so turn away now if you are expecting some revelation of balance and clarity.

• a cross country move
• being jobless
• eventually acquiring an unfulfilling, low-paying job
• rejection from (now 3) graduate schools, despite being a perfect candidate on paper
• health issues/weight gain
• patchwork families
• setting boundaries
• feeling separated from friends
• paralyzing fear of the future

Just a snippet of things that have been hard this year. I know a lot of this is normal (which is such a shame), but that doesn't make it any easier. Each time someone says "Keep your head up! Don't lose faith!" it gets harder, because now you are doubting whether you are a good enough Christian or not. What a nasty cycle. And opening up to others is nearly impossible for me, because I know they are hurting from everything I am or some other things I have been blessed enough to avoid.

With each hard thing, blessings have been lavished on me in some other way. Little bits of healing here and there, new amazing friendships, hearing a doctor say "No, Hollee, you aren't crazy.... something is off here." Losing sight of those blessings, though, is the easiest thing that I do.

I know I'm not the only one who fights the anxieties and valleys day in and day out. For you reading this who knows exactly what depths and darknesses that I speak of, I am sorry. I am sorry that you are confused, hurt, lost, angry, whatever you may be. There is one thing you are not: alone.

skinny jeans and pull ups.*

Let's take a minute to talk about my job.

About how it is probably the lowest paying, most energy sucking, painful, frustrating, joyful, rewarding, edifying, inspiring job I will ever have.

I work in a PECS classroom (Picture Exchange Communication System). Most of our students fall on the Autism spectrum or have a speech, language, or educational delay. We also have a small number of "typical" peers who are in place to demonstrate developmentally appropriate behavior. We operate my using visuals or pictures, representing everything in our classroom. Each child has the own "visual schedule" that gives them the run down of the day in pictures. (This is because many children with autism respond better to visual cues than auditory.)

Most of our students have much deeper needs than the all encompassing "diagnosis" or "label" that they enter our classroom with. It is tough. Our kiddos are tough. Even on some of their best days, we can find ourselves struggling to meet them where they are. Each one is an amazing little mystery. One minute, I think I am going to hit my breaking point, grab my bag and just walk right out the door. The next minute, I am a puddle in the floor getting an affectionate hug from a kid as I comfort them. While I am soaking up that hug, one sneaks up behind me and bites my skull. (Yup, right through the hair.) Then I am near tears when one makes eye contact with me and speaks a coherent thought for the first time in weeks.

And that is just a two-minute span.

I have noticed that so many people know SO little about autism. And that is the purpose of this blog post. Autism is an epidemic. We can sit here and argue about immunizations, overdiagnosis, genetic predisposition, environmental factors, and hundreds of other possible causes. But the fact is, with stats ringing in that 1 in every 88 children will be on the spectrum, it is very likely that you will be in contact with a child (or adult) with autism. 

Take a moment to visit autismspeaks.org. It is an amazing resource to explain this disorder and give you  tools for interaction. And I am ALWAYS excited when people ask me questions, so please do! If I can't answer them, I love to track down the answer. You can never learn too much about the people around you.

Here are some facts to start you off:

• Autism is the fastest-growing serious developmental disability in the U.S.
• Autism costs a family $60,000 a year on average
• Boys are nearly five times more likely than girls to have autism
• There is no medical detection or cure for autism
• However, Autism can be detected as early as 6 months.

Enjoy!

*The title of this post comes from the recent strife we have endured as one of our parents has tried to mix the world of fashion with a lack of potty training. Two words: sensory issues.

the struggle and the beauty.

leave it to me to let an overemotional episode of glee spur me into posting on my long-forgotten blog. 


but seriously. was saying goodbye to finn not just the most heart wrenching thing? oh, and every cast member's genuine emotion just sent me over the edge. especially, you, lea michelle. and matthew morrison. and naya rivera. but i digress.

our little life has been so beautiful lately, i can't believe i am not chronicling it. and maybe i should clarify. it isn't the everything-is-going well, rainbows, butterflies, and rays of sunshine beautiful. it is much more beautiful than that. it is a beauty found in the darkness. found only in the craters of our hearts. only in the spaces no one wants to go.

our family has been through some turmoil as of late. "some turmoil", to say the least. on top of many other things, i have been mourning (what i thought was) reality as i enter a new step in adulthood that i was not expecting. moving 2 miles away from my parents has been much harder than moving to alabama or to montana. i always called this little white house with columns and a green door "home". now i call it "my parents' house". i realize most people my age have gone through this, but that doesn't make it easier or less confusing. i take a step back from my mind and am astonished at what this season of life has dealt me. life was supposed to be easier once we moved to tennessee, right? things make sense here; this is home, right?


nope.


however, this flashed across my screen a few weeks ago:

oh, how it turned my heart a million different directions. i have heard the theme of this story from so many in my life, and i am beginning to write my story with this lens. a lens of beauty, of abounding grace, of unfathomable mercy. of all those churchy words that you don't really understand what they mean until you feel them. i pray every one of you (all, what, 2 of you?) reading this will find that lens in times of pain and sorrow.

God is so good, He's so good to me.

it's been a while

well, i suppose i should keep this updated! we are blessed enough to have friends and family spread across the country (really, the world). and i have done a terrible job of keeping up with everyone. reaching out to communicate and keep up is not my forte. :-(

we are still living in my parents' house in gallatin, tennessee (free rent!) and expect to be out in the next 2-3 months. we have an apartment reserved, but are now reconsidering renting a house instead. dipper loves to have her own yard :)

speaking of dipper, sophie (my parents' dog) and her are absolutely and completely inseparable! we have no idea what they will do when we move!

jonny started working for perry engineering in goodlettsville on july 17. he is really enjoying his work load, but also has a lot to learn. he enjoys that there are only 5 people in the office and that he doesn't have to drive into nashville everyday! we are very thankful for this position for him.

the job search for me is not going as well. i am learning a lot about God's timing and living out the faith that i claim i have. it's hard, but it feels good to have hope. it feels good to know that even when i am feeling defeated, i can be assured that there are plans for me in the future.

i  believe that is the nitty-gritty!

[helena handbasket.]

I am so horrible at taking photos on trips. Mostly, because I tend to leave BOTH of our cameras behind. However, I did capture a couple of highlights over the past couple of days.

Jonny was sent to Helena on a last-minute trip for work. I had Wednesday and (most of) Thursday off from work, so I decided to drive out and meet him. We had a pretty good time, and Helena is a quaint little town. We ate some delicious food (Chili's and Macaroni Grill! I love civilization!!) and visited with friends. And that was about it! I did get a pass to go down to the local health club, so I did a Les Mills BodyPump class. Our old gym here in Missoula had these classes, and I LOVE them!!

 I found out that Gold's Gym in Hendersonville offers Les Mills classes, so I am excited to join for a month when I visit! I am so sore and it feels so good.

Also, I discovered a doable way to wear a top knot/sock bun. Life changing. I may never have to wash my hair in the morning again. Tuesday, I wore it slicked back and high with pearls to work. Last night, I wore is loose and down with an oversized cardi for a relaxed look.

Mirror shot, camouflage, hotel bathroom. I redefined class with this one.

I got home and had a few hours to kill before a grueling workout. So I snuggled with my dog, DUH.

I am feeling a little odd (but awesome) after a 4 mile walk-to-sprint interval workout, so I settled for a shake for dinner.

Chocolate protein powder, strawberry greek yogurt, fresh raspberries, & almond milk.

Sadly, I have a couple hours of work tonight ahead of me. However, it is the Glee premier tonight and my client insists on watching it. I'm not complaining!

[bad dog.]

Well, she isn't bad, but she is difficult.

I'm dippercult.

Dipper has social issues. We tried very hard to socialize her when she was a puppy and paid a lot of money for obedience school, but her Beagle instincts are just too strong. We can't take her for walks (she yips), can't take her to the dog park (will sniff away until she's lost/in the Clark Fork river) and can't go on "play dates" with other dogs (because she doesn't even know they are there due to sniffing). 

I woke up today feeling pretty icky and didn't go to work today. Dipper was restless, so I decided to take her down to the baseball fields to run around like a crazy puppy. She is really bad at fetch, too! She gets the general concept, but doesn't understand she is supposed to bring the ball back.

 Look at her little booty up in the air. She's so cute.

 Here I come! 

 I actually forgot the ball. Oh well. What's that over there?!

Imma go sniff over there.

And for my friends and family back home that don't know where I live, these baseball fields are in one of the best spots in town to see the mountains around Missoula! 

This was meant to be a panoramic view.

Also, it is not always this hazy and gross out. Hello, fire season!

As soon as we came in, she ran right up onto the couch and puked up everything she has eaten/drank today. So, now I'm gonna go figure that out :(

[friday's 5... for fall!!!]

Happy Friday! I spent most of the day relaxing and enjoying a day off from BOTH of my jobs. I did have a few meetings this morning, but they came complete with lattes, so they were easy to get through. Most of my "highs" of the week came today. The rest of the week was okay, but today was awesome! 

1. Jonny and I went to Bed Bath & Beyond to grab some mats for the kitchen. We left with no mats in hand but we did hit up a 75% off Tervis Tumbler sale! Does it get any better than this?! HE even got a Rockies tumbler (surprise, surprise that it was the only MLB logo in the clearance bin;-).)

2. Pumpkin Spice Lattes are back. That's all I have to say about that.

3. Jonny got off work early today, so we made it to Mustard Seed in time for lunch specials! Woop! We followed it with a 2 hour nap, which was the only thing that makes a Chicken Teriyaki bowl better.

4. This was a view of the Clark Fork on my run tonight. Complete perfection.

5. Jonny and I are going on a surprise vacation next week! Okay, maybe I am exaggerating. Jonny has some job training in Helena and I am going to drive up to tag along halfway through the week. I am going to stay here for a night before hand to do some crafty stuff with a friend. Can't wait to share that ;-)

[good smells]

Happy Tuesday, that is like a Monday!

I only had to work one job today and it was a.... ahem, "crappy" day. But that's ok, because I got to sleep in and watch Michael Strahan's first day on Live! with Kelly (& Michael!). I am such an old woman. I think I will handle retirement just fine in 50 years.

I skipped breakfast today. Okay, fine, I didn't, but I did have a popsicle. At lunch, I made a strawberry banana smoothie that tasted JUST like Smoothie King. Working there years ago has made me quite the smoothie queen. :-D

For dinner, we had greek yogurt pancakes... again! I swear we eat other things, but these are SO easy and good for you!

Also, I was trying to organize some things today. I decided to get crafty and make Scentsy bars out of old candles that the wicks are too short to burn. Frosted Cranberry is my FAVORITE winter scent, so I always have it in candle form, Wallflower, room spray, and anything else they make for the year. We have our Scentsy warmer on about 90% of the time, so it makes sense to have the bars instead of candles. (Don't get me wrong, I love candles.... for some reason, they are so comforting when it gets cold and dreary and snowy here!) This was not a difficult process at all, either.

I just melted the entire candle on the warmer and poured it in to an old bar carton! I think the candle will make 4 or 5 more, so I just tucked it away in the closet until next time.

I have a few more small, inexpensive projects on deck for the week, too! But I am also working all day, e'rday :-/ BUT, Saturday will be full of football, so I have light at the end of the tunnel!

[pen-woman-ship]

Living in Montana has made me deal with things that have NEVER crossed my mind before. Such as rolling up my windows at night so I don't get a ton of ash in my car. And, on that subject, the fact that we have to reschedule our location for bible study due to the smoke outside. Who knew? Similarly, this morning, though the temperature was perfect outside, I had to run on the treadmill because the air outside was just too risky for someone with asthma.

This graph from our local news is weeks old. No telling where we were yesterday/this morning.

So, to beat boredom on the treadmill, I get pretty creative. I can't run at one speed and incline for 50 minutes straight. This week, I tried the following which (literally) kept me on my toes the entire workout.
Begin at 4.0mph for 1 minute. Increase to 5.0mph, 6.0 mph, 7.0mph, 8.0mph for 1 minute each. Repeat for as long as you want! 
It averages out to 10:00/mile, but it really kicks my butt more than running a steady speed.

In other news, I am feeling a bit cynical/defensive/combative and all the other emotions that come from politics. I try to stay out of conversations, because I know my opinions will just fuel other fires. It seems like our country is set on being divisive these days, so keeping my mouth shut and prayerfully following what I believe seems to be easier. Anyways, I am pretty sure anyone who knows me is aware of how I feel, so that is really all that matters.

I promise I won't turn this into a "my-opinion-is" blog. HOWEVER....When things are ridiculous, I can't help but criticize it as openly as possible. I just can't let America get stupid, ya know?

First of all, I'm obsessed with pens. I am a pen stealer. I will leave a bigger tip to take the pen at a restaurant if it writes nicely. So when I Saw the Today Show discussing a new pen made for women (smaller barrel and bright, girly colors) I got giddy. I listened in only to start rolling my eyes.

Apparently these pens are now a women's rights issue. (?????) Apparently, we are taking a step back in society by forcing women to use women's products. One woman commented, "Great, now I will just wait for husband to get home from work so he can show me how to use the internet and order these!"

Gracious.

Is anyone else seeing something wrong with this? First of all, I have small hands, so I appreciate the small barrel. I have a guitar designed for women with a more slender neck.... my fingers don't reach all the way up on the frets of a normal guitar, so I like that.

Secondly, I LOVE BEING A WOMAN. What is wrong with that?! I like pink things. I like stereotypically spending large amounts of my paychecks on hair supplies, make-up, and clothes. I like that someone took the extra thought of what women may desire. That makes me feel special.

And guess what? If you are a woman that doesn't like these things, then you don't have to use them! You can use the men's pens! Or you can use pencils! Or a typewriter! 

I always try to keep an open mind, so if anyone has an educated, decent, well-formed dissent (wait, what's that?), let me hear it. Otherwise, I'm going out to buy some pink pens.

[hiawatha trail]

So a few Fridays ago was the last day that I had off from work :( We made the best of it and went to the Montana-Idaho state line to bike the Hiawatha Trail. This has been on the top of our to-do list since..... well, since we started dating almost. You can read some history here. It began as a railroad track started by some non-profit groups. However, it was abandoned and never saw any commercial activity. In 1998, it opened as a recreational area. It is just over a 15-mile ride and has 9 tunnels (the first one is 1.7 miles and pitch black. Terrifying, I tell you.) You also going over some trestles. These were beautiful as long as I made it a point to look out over the scenery and not down!

It was awesome. Until the last rocky, bumpy, dusty, dirty mile. That wasn't fun. BUT at the end, a lady called me out because I had on a Tennessee shirt. After a few minutes of talking, we realized that we were from the same city, went to the same church, had the same friends, and attended some of the same events back home.... so it was a sheer miracle that we had never met. Their family now lives in Washington state doing ministry there. It was so nice to talk about home together for about an hour on the shuttle ride back to the cars!